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Aug. 14th, 2014

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So I am making slow... but steady(I hope!) progress on my music in terms of learning the techniques. I am still pretty new in the theory of music though as I simply either don't have the time, and am just too mentally tired to read through it.

Most of the time whenever I reach home from work, I am physically tired and mentally drained, and the last thing I want to do is study. I hardly even play games on weekdays nights now, preferring to just surf through Facebook and Twitter, and turn on my Youtube. I may not even be watching videos but just listening to the dialogue if I have a movie going on on Youtube.

I don't even have mood for sex these days. I think with the increase of my various friends getting poz, it has sort of resulted in the dampening of my desire for random mindless sex significantly. I'm just not say as interested in fucking with anyone, and it has already been 3 months since my last fuck.




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Social Class

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A tribute to the RMS Titanic and her passengers, who perished on 15 April 1912, the movie Titanic has remained till this day one of my most favourite movies of all time.
History aside, I cried so much for the senseless loss of human lives that were callously flung aside in the name of social class. I wept for the lives that were lost in the name of social hierarchy. I shed tears of rage over the ridiculous notion of human pride, and most importantly of all, I cried because I know this is not just a fictional love story that Hollywood had crafted out of the thin air; there were many couples and families on board the RMS Titanic. Couples with their full lives ahead of them, families with their futures ahead of them... most but lost underneath the frigid Atlantic waves simply because a variety of human reasons.
Even though more than 15 years have passed since the movie, its haunting music still stirs at my hidden psyche. I remembered watching this with my first crush, when I was just a lad in NS, and him already a young working adult. I remembered bawling my eyes out so much in the theatre that it took us 10 minutes before we could leave; my face was red and eyes & nose swollen from crying. I remembered him giving me all his tissue packets, and wiping away at my tears. I remembered him holding onto me tightly as we left, gently asking if I need a cup of hot tea.

Oh yes I remembered all those details. It was at Cineleisure, and he was in black tee-shirt and blue jeans. I had only came out officially not too long ago, and he was 1 of the first few gay people that I got to know. Perhaps it is also because of him that the movie was etched even deeper in my memory. True history + first crush is quite a potent combination.

It has been more than a hundred years since the Titanic sunk and perhaps none in the modern age would have even remembered that tragedy if not for James Cameron. The story of the Titanic also reinforced to me the dreadful evils of social class that unfortunately seems unavoidable. Maybe social class is what it is like to be sentient and sapien. I mean look at lions, hyenas, elephants, the great apes, and even honey bees for example. Can living beings do without this class system? Can we truly live without a social class or will we degenerate to utter chaos?






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Dining in the Dark

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The Bear Project decided to go for an experiential outing this time round, and chosen "Dining in the Dark", quite similar concept to the one at Nox with similar visually handicapped servers, except that this one is located at the Singapore Association for the Visually Handicapped, with proceeds of the dinner going directly to them.

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First Month's Lessons

BaiQing
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So begins my acolytehood into the Bardic College where I approach with much enthusiasm and excitement, despite lukewarm(or even cold) response from my Mum. It's actually one of my favourite instruments, and I just want to master it as a personal achievement. Yesterday marked my 4th week(lessons are once per week) aka a month, and most of you would be curious over how I have progressed.

Here's a blow by blow account of each lesson:

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Arts? You suck.

Dark Phoenix




Let me tell you, in my family, being artistic or musical, gets you plenty of scorn, ridicule and in general, grudging support.

Take for example when I was in my teens, when I was sketching and drawing and I wanted to go into an arts school, I got greeted with disappointed looks, scathing remarks of how being an artist means you will be a broke penniless beggar. Even when I successfully passed the school's entry tests, I still get no praise of how genuine my talent is or I am actually good. Instead I got nagged about the upcoming very very very expensive school fees because my art school is a private one, and not a government school.

Never mind. Let's fast forward to the present now.

So there I was, all excited about signing up for music lessons. It has always been a personal achievement of mine to be as close as possible to the gods. While you do need to have real talent for singing, playing an instrument still can be scrapped by with enough practise. Of course you would never be truly great like my BFF's brother, but at least I could play a decent tune.

My BFF was of course super supportive and even spoken of getting a really good instrument for me for my birthday. His brother was just as supportive. Naturally I wanted my Mum to know what I was doing, and so I walked into her room and told her that I would be slightly late on Monday nights because that's when my music lessons take place.

"Why learn music???" she asked.

Immediately I got irritated. "Why cannot??" I retorted.

"Why MUST learn music??" she asked again.

"Why cannot????" I retorted again, my volume increasing drastically.

I went out of her room and into my room to fetch my instrument, thinking to show her how beautiful it is, and what a piece of history it represent, and how committed am I about learning it. I entered her room again. "Look this is what I am learning," I gestured at the case.

"Waste this kind of money!" was her first line uttered.




I walked out of the room immediately, damned fucking pissed off. She called me back but I ignored. This is exactly like how it was when I was in my teens. Anything in the arts field, means its no good. History, art, music... all these are useless and I should have studied hard and excel in Mathematics, Science and be a businessman, doctor, engineer and all that crap.

Here I am in my adult years, and using my OWN money to pursue my own interest, and not a single ounce of support came forth. And people wondered why I am much closer to my BFF than my own family.




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Fast and Furious Fuck

Btm
bebearrex.geoconstruct

Guy: Hi
Me: Hello.
Guy: U're cute
Me: Thanks. U top?
Guy: Yes. You btm?
Me: Yes. Wanna fuck?
Guy: Me don't have place.
Me: Me too
Guy: But my workplace can.

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Pick Your One

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Attraction is a huge thing in organisms that engage in sexual reproduction, especially in complex creatures, and further even more in homo-sapiens. From a pure biological point of view, there are a lot of things going on when you deemed someone else interesting. As shown in the video above, our external senses are involved heavily in determining that.

However much studies devoted to attraction focused primarily on heterosexual people, with a predominant emphasis on eventual reproduction as the goal. Based on what science already knows, females pick their potential mates using cues that suggest stability and, ability to procure for her and offspring while males, being the horny bastards they are, pick on basis on attractiveness, youthfulness and fertility. Studies have also shown that males gravitated towards females who are ovulating at the moment; of course there are many factors influencing the laws of attraction but in this instance it is focusing on the physiological aspect.

But what of the homosexual couple? I know I have done this topic before some time back, but I would like to rehash it again. Removing all traces of reproductive goals, what physiological cues do we look for when we look for a mate? Does our primal need for sex come with any "reproductive" agenda behind? When we see a man with strong shoulders and a nice curve to the back, while I am sure many gay men will immediately think of sex, does it have any reproductive subtext to it?

Going further, do bottoms pick their tops with the unconscious requirement of the latter being able to provide for him? What possible influence do we draw upon when we pick the man of our dreams?

When I was younger and job-hopping with very little security, one of the criteria I look for in a man is the ability to take care of me in every manner. Now that I am working and earning my own keep, I no longer require that trait. It is nice to have, but not an absolute anymore. These days I look more towards whether can the man satisfy me emotionally(and physically!).

I find the manner in which gay people find their partners a very fascinating subject as obviously reproduction and biological offspring hardly factor in to making the decision to pick the man. But we are ultimately still genetically the same as any heterosexual person. Question now is of course, do we still react physiologically? Would we be more attracted, in the broadest sense, to a woman who is ovulating than one who is not, despite having not the least ounce of sexual attraction to her? Do tops and bottoms pick their men with physiological traits influencing?

I guess what I want to know is, while we are of the same species but different sexual orientation, just how similar and different we are from each other? Just how do you pick your mate?




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Single?

Having tea



While having dinner with some friends over the weekend, one of them asked me at point-blank, "When are you going to settle down?" with the unspoken implication of with someone.

Perplexed, and irked, I replied, " Why do you need to settle down with someone? Isn't oneself enough?"

" Maybe when you are 40, you will sing a different tune. We'll see by then if you will still say the same," he retorted.

" Perhaps I might. It is true. I am still young, hale and hearty, and still a ripe prune. Maybe when I am old, I may wish to be with someone. But why do we need to? Is one person's wholeness and happiness only valid if you are "settled" down with someone?" I replied.

There is too much emphasis and social implication on the concept of being in a relationship that it practically elevates you to sainthood if you are in one, and particularly a long-term relationship. Maybe I am being overly cynical now, but honestly at that point of time, I felt that that friend in question, had a snide and condescending note to the question; his long term partner, kept quiet beside him.

So what if I am single? Does that mean I am not settled down? Just a question to everyone who may be reading this, why does being settled automatically mean being with someone? Is a single person not capable of settling down? And just on that note, what does settling down mean? Forming a relationship? Getting married? Going by that, single by choice people are not settled down? What of People of the Cloth? Does that mean they are forever not settled down?

Of course... again you can always say that I am only being this way because I am still relatively young, and still in demand. Yes I totally agree with that. Humanity have always felt invincible in the bloom of youth, and only when disaster or old age have come upon them do they grasp the concept of mortality.

Which brings me back to the original question. Is being single so that bad? Should everyone pursue a relationship as the most sacred and important career/choice?

I supposed I'm really going to Hell now. Gay AND single.




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The gay top, the gay btm, and the bi top

Btm




So there I was having a relaxing early evening when my phone beeped with a WhatsApp message. "Oh it's from Mr I", as I saw the name. "Well long time no fuck.". I scanned through the message and then my eyebrows rose; he was asking me over as he had got me another top! I mean I have been asking him for threesome for the longest time, but we or he never really went out canvasing seriously for it.
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Straight Guy?

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As much as I like to think and portray myself as a simple person, I don't think I am. Then again, very few human beings are. Perhaps to be human is to be complicated.

I like the excitement of dating. I like the feeling of euphoria as you indulge in the feverish pang of courtship. However it has to be done on my terms, and preferably with me the one initiating. To put it bluntly, I'm the chaser. I always am. Btm I may be, passive I am not.

So this guy that I have been sort of seeing, I'm fine with him. But he is chasing me. Yeah yeah some of you will exclaim that I'm a "lucky girl" and all that but honestly I don't really like it. In addition, his very concept of this whole love spectrum is totally anathema to me.






To him it's love at first sight. He claims that he is not like the typical gay guys who dates a lot and also he has never had sex before. Interestingly enough, he identifies himself as straight, though I am not sure what that means to him as he could mean "straight-acting". Yeah yeah I always get straight and bisexual guys. Hooray for me.

Honestly? I don't believe a single word of it. I'm jaded, and I'm a cynical bitch. I don't believe in love at first sight; I believe in lust at first sight. I don't believe people never had sex by 40, and I just don't believe that he is what he says. I don't.

Problem? He treats as if we have already been together for years. I am barely ready for a relationship!! I don't like the sudden restriction on my time. I RESENT the time being taken away from my gaming, sleeping and just me time to go out with him. In general I am fine with him. I may be fond of him. He does have moments that make me giggle quietly to myself; like he would try to put his arms around my shoulders, and considering how tall I am, and how short he is, it's quite funny. For a supposedly straight identified guy, he is rather touchy in public, always constantly wrapping around my shoulders, body contact etc.

It is unfortunately that for me, love is not an instant mix you pour out of a sachet. I am sorry I am just not that kind of guy.

Most of all, I still have yet to fully let go of Mr ICC. I still miss him after all this time. :(

In light of all these, I am rapidly losing my patience, cool, and I think I will end up exploding to him, and then once I have successfully alienated him away from my life, my singles lifestyle will come back. Brilliant eh?




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Doublebooked again!

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So my place happens to be available, and I quickly sent out a flurry to text, waiting to see which FB bites. Mr Hobbit replied, said he would come over. And then Mr Monstrous Cock also replied saying he will come over… around the same time as Mr Hobbit!

Fuck! I double booked again, which in my defense only happened ONCE. Frantically I texted the two of them trying to get a sense of who would arrive first. Ideally Mr Hobbit should reach first as he stays slightly nearer, and he did respond first; most importantly his cock is smaller. Way way way smaller. His fucking should prep my ass nicely for Mr Monstrous Cock.

When Mr Hobbit was standing outside my front door, I was actually scowling at him because he took some time to get over. "Oei hurry leh! I going out later," I lied.

"What time?" he said apologetically.

" 30 minutes time. Hurry up and fuck now," I practically dragged him to the bedroom.

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Self-hatred

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I am not an activist of any sort. If there really is a cause I would champion however, rest assure that it would be something animal/plant/environmentally related; I am the least interested in anything related to my own species.

However that being said, I do not take kindly to derogatory bashing remarks towards my own community. I may not be a fervent support of Pink Dot, and all that organizations, and while I don't seem to be affected much by 377A, I do recognise that I am still part of the community.

Spewing forth volatile hate speech towards gays, peppering liberally with choice words like faggots really made me lose any form of respect for you. What is even more surprising, or even ironic, is that all these are coming from a fellow gay person, or so he heavily claims. He cites that our attention queen wannabes are the drug taking sluts with utterly no morals, like trying to "rape him while he was drunk". He argues further that we must be policed, short of herding us into concentration camps, and then that's where I lost him in his sea of hatred. Something about class system and all that.

Apparently there are no men trying to rape women in the heterosexual world. No heterosexuals take drugs as well; only homosexuals take drugs. Only "faggots" love to club endlessly and once they spot any man, they rush towards him in their feverish attempt to rape him. He is also so gorgeous that every gay man wants to suck his cock. The list goes on and on and on and on. The amount of self-righteousness coming from him simply sickens me.

So anyway, I have unfriend him on Facebook, and since we never met in the first place, I feel nothing in removing him. Even though we are on the same "side" in terms of certain ideals and beliefs for our country, rest assure that we are not friends. Not after his not just once, but numerous hate speech on faggots and how 377A is good for society, with all the straight people on his list reading through that. It pisses me off that instead of trying to work together, he is simply attributing his personal experiences and then blacklisting the entire community of gay people. What is even laudable that his "life experiences" are that so far are of a twenty year old person. Apparently at age 20, he is of the ripe sagely age to pass comments on lifestyle and judge an entire community of people based on the actions of a small faction.

In short, continue to rant on the atrocities of faggots, cocksuckers and utterly moral-less sluts. Continue to scream for fire and brimstone on the evils of gay people. I am sure the straight people on your list applauds you for revealing just how depraved and vile we faggots truly are




P.S. While we stand together in solidarity in our beliefs for a better Singapore, henceforth you go your own righteous path while the faggot me will walk down the path to hell.




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The Big Cock

Btm
page_fo_big_penis_book_08_0910191706_id_301688




He asked me for a fuck numerous times already, and always I rejected him because I'm just such a bitch. But today I decided to give him a try and thus I agreed to fuck with him.

Note to all: Blocks in CCK are ridiculously hard to find. Apparently we are supposed to "Find Wally" with the block numbers painted carefully in a discreet and obscure place where few people can find. Add the "upgrading" construction and obstruction going on, it took me 15 minutes to reach his place, with me boiling with rage.

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"Equal" Rights eh?

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"So many complains about the NS (http://alvinology.com/2013/10/04/on-alex-liang-a-singaporean-who-gave-up-his-singapore-citizenship/). I’m a female and I’ve formed my opinions on NS much earlier on, and it so happened that it coincides with that of Janice (on that website) and admin Yun.

Just feel that Men are born differently from Women and we each have different duties to fulfill. Men are given strength, and are thus given the duty to protect – their children, their wives. Women are given empathy and the ability to reproduce and are, most of the time, doing the supporting roles.

Given such, while I do feel that NS is “a waste of time”, but I also feel that it’s a necessity to toughen the boys up as well as for our country to build up our defense.

As for the topic of compulsory NS for women, are you really keen for that? Truly? What if we’re pregnant? What if we’re indeed trained soldiers and the enemy attacks? Will you stand by and watch as we charge forth to attack the enemy? Or will you strive to protect us, as well as your dignity?

As for the new foreigners, true that they have just settled in and might not deserve all the privileges that a true blue Singaporean should have. But if we do start dividing the new citizen and “old” citizen (aka true blood Singaporeans), how are we to attract more people in to replenish our aging population? Do you really want to pay half of your income to the government in future? (please don’t answer “yes”, because if it really happens, there ain’t gonna be a NTU Alumni Confessions page for you to complain at) All those new citizens who came in will help to boost our economy and they will also provide future economical and societal benefits because the tax that they pay will spread out the effects of aging population. We’re a small island country and we can’t afford to have the government discriminating against the solution we need. PLUS, they’re serving NS all the same, so please also treat them with the same respect. Yes, they might complain and all, but hey, didn’t you complain too? If you yourself, a true blue Singaporean, aren’t willing to serve NS, why should the new citizens serve NS willingly? For one, they didn’t grow up here…

Complain if you must, boys, but NS is here to stay and I’d say it’s important that it stays. Same for globalization and new citizens."


https://www.facebook.com/NTUConfess/posts/424894604281355

"Women are given empathy and the ability to reproduce and are, most of the time, doing the supporting roles."

Apparently only women are given the ability to reproduce. Men evidently have no such ability to reproduce. Human beings must have come from eggs from females and spores from mushrooms.

Support roles? Then u should be rightfully in the kitchen, and home. Men work outside and women work the home. Why are we allowing women to work outside? They should be in the home 24/7!!

And since ONLY women are given the ability to reproduce, and since we have a population crisis, each women must give birth to at least 12 babies.

This is 1 of the reasons why I detest some women so much. They love talking about crap that they have no idea about.

Until your fucking sex is serving "National" Service like males, don't talk to me about "equal" fucking rights and how "oppressed" you are here.




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My fuck with Mr I on Sat night

Btm
woman-free


The last time I have fucked with Mr I, it was BEFORE the Lunar New Year. That was almost 9 months ago!!!! I didn't fuck with him because I was busy, he was busy, I starting dating Mr High Elf and all that crap. But finally at last, he came back from his business trip, and I am a free woman now.

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E & printed books

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I am not that tech savvy nor am I crazily excited over new tech toys that come out, like the new iPhone5S/5C. I hardly even utilise much of my phone & apps to its fullest potential except for game apps. It was why I never felt the need to get an iPad because I know I would hardly use it.

Now that my boss has bought us each an iPad, and I finally discovered or succumbed to the magic of ebooks, I went on a crazy download spree and got myself like over 50 ebooks at once! I marvel at the ease that the "printed" world is now available at the click of a button. It is considerably cheaper or even at no costs as I downloaded free torrents. Compared to how much I spend on Amazon ordering books, and paying MOSTLY for goddamn shipping fees, which at times, costs MORE THAN THE BOOKS itself!! It's really absurd!

Comics however... are a different ballgame. While e-comics are definitely cheaper than printed comics, it is not exactly that cheaper! You can easily spend over $50 bucks on a series arc before you realise it.

But I still hold a fondness for the actual printed work. The smell of books is still intoxicating to my nasal sense. I still love flipping an actual page, never mind that I am killing trees though. I like holding onto a paperback and devouring pages and pages of text; I loathe hardcovers and I would never never get one if I can help it. I waited an entire year for the new Dresden Files novel to be out in paperback!!

What do you think? Will ebooks eventually supplant printed books? Environmentally speaking, in the long run, will ebook be better of, considering we cut lesser trees for paper, though I don't know how much environmental waste we produce in producing an iPad or Kindle. 




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Suddenly... I thought of him

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I still think of him.

While time has certainly lessened the hurt and anger, it doesn't at all lessened all the memories I had spending with him. Ever since I spotted him at Buona Vista MRT station, each time my train stops there, I scan eagerly yet nervously at the crowd waiting to get in, half hoping that he would be there.

I still wonder how is he getting along. Is he still on that same job? I hope so as it was an upgrade compared to that shitty retail job. I wondered whether has he finished clearing his debts. I wondered if he has fared so far. Has he found a new boyfriend? Is the new boyfriend treating him well? How are his nieces and nephew, and sister doing? How is his mother getting along?

As my birthday approaches, so is his. I wonder if anyone is celebrating with him.

Then I asked myself. Why do I care? Why do I still think of him?

Time may fly. Time may be unforgiving and relentless. But time will never erase what we had.




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If you are late... NO CIM!!!!

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"Bro you free now? Come over fuck me" I texted 1 of the fuckbuddies I have. I actually asked him last week but he said his mum passed away. O_O'
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As you all know I have the ability of the 3rd Eye. It's not something I request for, though by now I am more than used to it.

I remembered being afraid when I was a kid when I realise that some "people" I see seems not right. I slowly got used to them though they have a tendency to stare at me because I was staring at them. Because this ability soon grew so familiar to me, I never really bat an eyelash much when I see them. Sometimes I may get a shock or a chill, but then I'll shrug and get on with what I was doing.

During the Lunar 7th Month, which is the Hungry Ghost Festival, entertainment would be put up for the dead, and as well as for the living. Traditionally it used to be opera but it has since faded much, with modern forms of singing replacing it. Rows of chairs would be put up for the audience to sit, or you can simply bring your own chair.


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However the one unbroken cardinal rule is that the front row... the first row... is solely reserved for the unseen guests. It is always empty... to most people.

I know it sounded REALLY REALLY strange for me to say this now, but I only realize that those seats were NEVER EMPTY TO ME. I mean I KNOW those seats are reserved for them, but because I ALWAYS see it being seat, I ALWAYS ALWAYS thought that it was an archaic rule that nobody paid attention to now!

I only realise this when my colleagues were talking about it, and I made a casual remark, "No leh... I always see people seated on the front row!"

There was silence around the lunch table and then it was then I realise what I was saying. Oh my god holy shit I didn't realise until... like 30+ years later???? I was that... blind/dumb???




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The Conjuring - No spoilers don't worry

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I resisted and protested when BFF brought up the idea of watching The Conjuring.

2x02-PhoebePremonition


Firstly I'm not a fan of horror films while gory films make me distinctively nauseated. I actually vomited over an ex boyfriend's lap during a gory movie once! So anyway I tend to close my eyes or narrow to mere slits when watching horror shows! Isn't that a waste of money?? Most close friends will always look at me with an incredulous look and go, "What the fuck you scared of horror movies for?? You can see real ghosts!!!"

To which I would retort, " Real ghosts don't come with special makeup and sound effects!!!"

Anyway I grudgingly agreed to watch as BFF's brother's GF would be returning back to China the next day.

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To my surprise, the movie was good. Very good in fact. I like the fact that they did not employ the usual army of special effects, and instead relied on more "traditional" old school type effect. In honesty though, if you are a horror film or movie buff in general, the "scary" parts are very predictable. I was able to narrow my eyes most of the time to avoid leaping out of my seat or shrieking like a 3 year old girl.

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But what I truly like and as well as the most chilling parts is the investigator Lorraine Warren. She is a clairvoyant and medium and in an essence quite the instrumental force in the entire event. So what liked and chilled me? The fact that what she sees and feels are extremely how I would see and feel such things. Spirits(or ghosts) don't quite communicate like how you would talk to another person. They communicate in bursts of images, impressions and raw emotions which can easily overwhelm you.

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I'm not sure if what happened in the movie is exactly how Lorraine sees, but if the shadowy figures she saw was an indication, I am clearly not in her league. I am not sure whether those are actual spirits or simply aura residue but I am glad my ability is not of that level! I can't see auras yet though I can feel their strength.

If I underwent training, my path might become almost like hers though I think I'm more medium than clairvoyant.




P.S. Patrick Wilson IS SO HAWT!!!!




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Musings of the lonely depressed soul

BaiQing



I thought I would have a fabo long weekend filled with sex sex sex and more sex.

Instead what I got was sleeping alone alone alone alone alone, Piglet withstanding. I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind, especially with the way of things being the way they are now and why.

I wonder if I am that difficult a person to get along with. I wonder if my staunch and firm stance of being opened about my sexuality is actually THE downfall in a crap society like Singapore, where at least 80% of the gay population are still hiding behind closets. No doubt my family doesn't care about sexuality but because I spoilt my fur kid horrendously, no stranger can ever step foot into the house without being brutally attacked. And no I'm not kidding about the last bit.

Seriously this being open about myself has brought me nothing but misery, anger and in general usually one of the few reasons why relationships ended. It doesn't help too when I always get attracted to closeted idiots. In a nutshell, I'm just fucked okay?

I looked at friends who have boyfriends spanning over 5 and even 10 years and I wondered how they do it. And then I realise that most of them still live in the closet, or as far as possible, "don't ask don't tell" lifestyle. Is it really the key to success in a gay relationship in Singapore?

Then I wonder, how did they manage to have sex if they are so hushed hushed? To me, sex is important. No sex = no relationship. I have been there done that. I am absolutely not going to be in one without sex! 




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The fuck over the weekend

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Even while I was with Mr High Elf, our sex was still quite limited though of course in comparison with Mr ICC, we were fucking like rabbits! So I was already a month deprived of sex, and it was driving me absolute bonkers. I decided over the weekend that I HAVE to get fucked by hook or crook; I was even contemplating of trying out those paid "masseurs"!! That alone can tell you how horny I was.

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The Wolverine

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I just came back from watching Wolverine with Mr Big, and I must say... as a Marvel fan, I'm pretty sorely disappointed. Let's talk about it, starting with the things I dislike.

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I swear Carrie Bradshaw is my reflection

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Alarm bells rang for me before during one of our conversations, and with that, I mentally and emotionally scaled back already. I tried my best to accommodate and be gracious, but at the end of the day I know that I was just making do with instead of really accepting it.

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Pink Dot for me is...

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So Pink Dot came and exited like in a flurry of frenzied excitement.

It was my first time attending too, albeit feeling half reluctant as always each year though I really managed to go this year. There were over 20,000 people packed within the tight confines of the park, and coupled with the typical mid-year weather, it was absolutely sweltering. I was silently vowing to myself *IF* I ever were to go again for next year, I would bring along at least 2 battery powered fans.

I should be feeling excited. I should be feeling proud at seeing my fellow kin decked in fabulous pink and being out there. I should be pleased to see every shape and sizes of every creed and race there, dispelling the myth that all gays are queens who dresses in airy fairy clothing that would put the Good Witch in Oz to shame. I should be bursting with pride when we got to the grand finale of shining our torches as we form the Pink Dot.

But truth be told... honestly... I felt... nothing.

Perhaps this is arrogance speaking, but being an already out gay man to my family, straight friends and colleagues including bosses, the messages Pink Dot brings never resonate much to me. I am already accepted. I am fully comfortable with being myself. I am well adjusted in terms of sexuality. All the themes of Pink Dot on acceptance, being present to society, love etc... I have already achieved all these!!!

Maybe that is why I am always half reluctant to go. It looks exciting watching the videos. It feels emotional watching it. But when I actually was there, when reality sunk in deep, I realised what I felt all along was just the cheap thrill of trying something new.

Needless to say, objectively Pink Dot is a beautiful reach to every GLBT and allies. I have heard and read of stories of personal courageous acts from people who have been encouraged by Pink Dot, and the overwhelming love that emanated from everyone is just heart-warming.

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